CommunicationThe outline below covers all of the aspects of communication we consider when designing a program. There is source material here for several days of coaching, however through discussion with the internal design lead, we would tailor to the program to the specific needs of the group. ClarityWhen you speak sentences that are grammatically correct, we describe those sentences as well-formed sentences. In the same way, we can talk about desired outcomes in an interaction as being formed. Outcomes are well formed when they follow a set of rules that maximise our chances of success. If a sentence is well formed, it follows the rules of grammar. If a desired outcome is well formed it should follow the following rules: - State your outcome in positive terms: What you want rather than what you don’t want to achieve. It’s not the same to say, ‘I do not want my Executive to say no’ or ‘I want my Executive to agree to an increase in the initial order by 30%’. The question you must ask here is,
- Have evidence: Engage all your senses in the description of your outcome. The more sensory channels you use the more compelled you will feel to achieve it. Just as you use language to build rapport, usually visual, auditory and feeling words, you also build rapport with yourself by using as much sensory information as possible when defining your desired outcome. The questions you must ask here are:
- How specifically will I have achieved my outcome?
- What will I see, hear, feel, smell, taste?
- What will others be saying to me?
- How will they look?
- What will I be saying to myself?
3. Be in control: You must ensure that as you define your desired outcomes for your influencing interactions, your outcome is under your control. If your outcome is dependent on others you will set yourself up to fail. The questions you must ask here are: - Is the outcome under my control?
- If it is then, how can I re-define my outcome so that I can control and maintain it?
4. Ensure that your outcome is ecological FOR YOU: Imagine yourself into the future and explore ALL the consequences of already having your outcome, the up sides and the down sides. You must ensure all of you want to achieve this outcome and if there are doubts, re-define what you want until doubts disappear. The questions you must ask here are: - What will I lose if I get my desired outcome?
- What would happen if I got it?
- Sort through your available resources: Before you decide to put yourself fully behind your outcome, ensure that you have monitored and utilised all the resources available to help you achieve it. The questions to ask here are:
- What is already available to you to support you in achieving your outcome?
- What else do you need?
6. Chunk appropriately: Going for the pot of gold may not always be possible in a day. Remember that the only way to eat an elephant is one chunk at a time! Ask yourself: - Is this outcome achievable in the time I have available?
Use the process to be clear about what you want to achieve in communication interaction. You can also help others clarify what they want to get out of the interaction by using these questions. A useful background question to help you keep on track is: - What is my desired outcome and how is what I am doing right now helping me achieve it
Internal Communication (Beliefs)
A Major factor is our beliefs about the world and the people around us, as this can affect what and how we communicate to others. Beliefs are formed from our experiences and what we are perhaps taught to be true. In interactions with others this can be misleading, as we may ‘perceive’ something about someone by misinterpreting their behaviour in some way. See the cycle below.
Consider what would happen if your team were to be in the place of the first person, thinking about you as their manager? i.e. ‘Your team members’ beliefs about you, which contribute towards their behaviour, which influences your behaviour, which reinforces their beliefs about you!’ How can we break this cycle? Empathy (Understanding Others)People make sense of the outside through their senses. Although we use all of our senses at different times, we typically have a preference for one in particular. This is usually:  Sight - a VISUAL representation Sound - an AUDITORY representation Feelings - a KINESTHETIC representation This preference influences how we prefer to record our experiences and make sense of the world outside. The strength of preference will vary between individuals but everyone will have some sort of preference. There are various ways in which people give us unconscious clues about their preferences. The simplest of these is through the words that they use. People will often use words that relate to their preferred representative system. This is best seen when people are talking spontaneously e.g. - Visual - “That looks great”
- Auditory - “That sounds great”
- Kinaesthetic - “That feels great”
Researchers from ‘The Centre for Creative Leadership’ identified ‘insensitivity to others’ as the primary reason why executives were derailed on the way to the top. The researchers pointed out that the ability to understand other people’s perspective was the most glaring difference between those who succeeded and those who didn’t. Other limitations were aloofness and arrogance, betrayal of trust and over-managing or failing to delegate and build a team. Studies of managers who have been dismissed identify them as loners: - people who prefer to work independently of others
- who are highly critical of their staff
- who are unwilling to share control over projects and finding solutions to problems
Word clues to Preferred Representative SystemsVISUAL (V) | AUDITORY (A) | KINAESTHETIC (K) | | | | See Look Appear View Show Dawn Reveal Envision Illuminate Twinkle Clear Foggy Hazy Flash Imagine Picture Sparkling Snapshot Vivid Perceive Light Ray Watch Perspective Frame Shine Dim Image Vision Observe Bright | Hear Listen Sound Make music Harmony Tune in Be all ears Rings a bell Silence Be heard Resonate Deaf Mellifluous Dissonance Overtones Unhearing Attune Outspoken Tell Announce Talk Speak Whine Babble Echo Orchestrate Whisper Snap Hum Loud Dialogue | Feel Touch Grasp Get hold of Slip through Catch on Tap into Make contact Throw out Turn around Hard Unfeeling Concrete Scrape Get a handle on Solid Suffer Impression Touch base Rub Smooth Pushy In touch Relaxed Loose Cool Tepid Heavy Pressure Texture Weight |
Rapport
Rapport can be defined as a level of communication, either verbal or non-verbal, where one person perceives that the other person sees the world from their frame of reference. Building rapport is the ability to adapt your behaviour to achieve this. Rapport occurs naturally all the time, when people are either attracted, or interested, in each other, or genuinely do view the world from similar positions. By watching this occur naturally, it is possible to identify more specifically how rapport occurs. This can enable us to consciously build rapport when it is not naturally present. The Components of Rapport
1. The first element of rapport is to try and match your language with the other person’s. For example, if they use a particular word or phrase to describe something, try and use the same, once you have qualified what they mean. 2. The next stage is to mirror someone’s body language. This should be a very subtle unconscious action that the other person is not aware of. You can achieve this with: - posture
- facial expressions
- angle of head
- hand gestures
3. The third component is voice. This is the element that is emphasised in call centres where people are not able to use body language. Matching voice patterns in the following way can also encourage people to sense that you are looking at the world in the same way as themselves: - tone
- tempo (speed)
- timbre (quality)
- volume
Building rapport is a skill that needs to be practised. Effective communicators often achieve this without being fully aware of what they are doing. Model them and also watch out for rapport occurring naturally (pubs are good places to observe!). Active Listening
Active Listening is a tool with the component parts of questioning and listening in order to gain a full understanding. It is also a key tool for building rapport, which is a major facilitator of communication. A blend of listening and questioning skills: - ‘empathic listening’, suspending any preconceptions, making use of all your senses
- asking probing questions to gain a full understanding
- summarising back to check your understanding
4 Key Question Types
Open questions. These cannot be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They are useful in establishing rapport and also in encouraging the listeners themselves to ask questions and to listen. These are the most powerful form of questions in gathering information. I kept six honest men They taught me all I knew Their names are what and where and when And why and how and who Rudyard Kipling
Closed questions. These can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They may need to be used in order to check facts and understanding and to control the direction of the exchange. Leading questions. These supply the answer in the question and should, in most cases, be avoided. You can never be certain that the receiver really WANTS to give that particular response. Eg. ‘You do want one, don’t you.’ (Note the absence of a question mark!) Multiple questions. This is when 2, 3 or even 4 questions are asked in the same breath. If you want to confuse someone, this is the way to do it! e.g.’ What sort of thing do you think we need, I mean is it that we need a large one or a small one, will it work alright, what do you think????!!!!’ These should be avoided. Questions are in effect the route to learning about the other person’s concerns. From this position of clarity we can choose with greater judgement the right course of action to meet the person’s needs. It is important when we come across an objection, to resist the temptation to go into ‘Tell’ mode and justify our standpoint. Instead, gain more information to identify what lies behind the objection. You are then in a better position to be able to overcome the objection. Content Language: It is important to understand the power of language. Words often have a deeper meaning that we first realise. This has two uses in communication: - Listening to someone else’s language can help us understand their map of the world.
- Careful use of our language can assist us in helping others to understand what we are communicating and even change their map of the world.
Some examples of how this can be achieved are seen below: - Rather than use “Yes…..but…” try removing the ‘but’ (or however).
A better alternative may be “Yes….and…”
- The use of the word ‘but’ negates everything that precedes it in that sentence.
- Remember the different meanings that people can assign to words. You may relish solving ‘problems’ and perceive them as enjoyable challenges. Others, however, may see ‘problems’ as stressful and threatening. In a similar way British and American business cultures often perceive ‘change’ differently. Whereas change has been traditionally resisted in Britain, it is normally seen as opportunity in America.
- Use metaphors and analogies to bring your communications to life. Relate your message to a story or something that the other people will understand and remember.
- The mind cannot think in negatives. In order to ‘not’ think about something, the mind has to think about it first e.g. Don’t think of a Pink Elephant
- Use ‘remember’ rather that ‘don’t forget’.
- Say, ‘It will be easy once implemented’ rather than, ‘Don’t worry about the implementation’.
Body Language: Think about this in terms of the messages you are sending to people. Also remember that if you are on the phone or sending a written communication people will not have your body language to help them interpret your message. Therefore, you should choose your words and tone very carefully to ensure the people receive the message you are intending to send.
Para-Language: This is the part of language that makes up the animation of content. It concerns things such as tone of voice, pitch, intonation or inflection. You can make these things work for you or against you. Try the exercise below and see what you think. Exercise Read out the following statements but applying the stress on the different words in each one. How might the meanings be differently interpreted? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Why have you done that to him? Environment
Our Physical Environment is likely to affect the success of our communicating efforts. A number of factors may be relevant, depending of the given communication scenario: - Channels: ‘The medium is the message’ – Marshall McLuhan. There are a number of communication channels which we can choose to employ, from the informal to the formal. Appropriateness is the key word: if we choose to convey a serious message in an informal setting such as a snack bar, we could be asking for trouble.
- Culture: The culture of an organisation may be open and informal, which can help some communicating opportunities but hinder others. We need to be aware of these pressures. When communicating with parties from other corporate cultures it is a good idea to try to understand what the ‘rules’ are as far as they are concerned.
- Time: Choosing the right time, and allowing the right amount of it, are important points to consider when planning to communicate. Typical pressures we each face at work often mean that communicating effectively takes a back seat. Some people shut themselves away and do less and less ‘real’ communicating. Others become tense, exchanging long-term relationship building with short-term ordering and demanding.
Summary of verbal aspects of behaviour | SUBMISSIVE | ASSERTIVE | AGGRESSIVE | WORDS | Long, rambling statements Fill in words e.g.’ maybe’ Frequent justifications Apologies and ‘permission seekers’ ‘I should’, ‘I ought’ Few ‘I’ statements (often qualified) Phrases that dismiss own needs: ‘it’s not important really’ Self put-downs: ‘I’m hopeless’ | Statements that are brief, clear and to the point ‘I’ Statements e.g. ‘I’d like’ Distinctions between facts and opinions Suggestions not weighted with ‘advice’ No ‘shoulds’ nor ‘oughts’ Constructive ‘criticism’ without blame or assumptions Questions to find out the thoughts, opinions, wants of others Ways for getting round problems | Excess of ‘I’ statements Boastfulness e.g. ‘my’ Opinions expressed as facts Threatening questions Requests as instructions or threats Heavily weighted advice: ‘should’ and ‘ought’ Blame put on others Assumptions Sarcasm and other put-downs | VOICE | Sometimes wobbly Tone may be singsong or whining Over-soft or over-warm Often dull and in a monotone or drops away at end Hesitant and filled with pauses | Steady and firm Tone is middle range, rich and warm Sincere and clear Not over-loud or quiet Fluent, few awkward hesitancies | Very firm Tone is sarcastic, sometimes cold Hard and sharp Strident, often shouting, rises at end Fluent, few awkward hesitancies | SPEECH | Sometimes jerks from fast to slow Frequent throat-clearing | Emphasizes key words Steady, even pace | Often abrupt, clipped Emphasises blaming words Often fast |
Summary of non verbal aspects of behaviour | SUBMISSIVE | ASSERTIVE | AGGRESSIVE | FACIAL EXPRESSION | ‘Ghost smile’ when expressing anger or being criticised Eyebrows raised in anticipation Quick changing features | Smiles when pleased Frowns when angry Otherwise ‘open’ Features steady, not wobbling | Smile may become ‘wry’ Scowls when angry Eyebrows raised in amazement/disbelief Jaw set firm, chin thrust forward | EYE CONTACT | Evasive Looking down | Firm but not a ‘stare-down’ | Tries to stare down and dominate | BODY MOVEMENTS | Hand-wringing Hunching shoulders Stepping back Covering mouth with hand Nervous movements which detract (shrugs and shuffles) Arms crossed for protection | Open hand movements (inviting to speak) ‘Measures pace’ hand movements Sits upright or relaxed Stands with head held up | Finger pointing Fist thumping Sits upright or leans forward Stands upright head ‘in air’ Strides around (impatiently) Arms crossed (unapproachable) |
|
